emotional feeling i have inside

It just funny..how u can turn sad..extremely sad in just a blink of eyes?

i cried so bad just now..and feel better..

It's been a week since i came back from my Jakarta's trip..

There was a sad moment for me there..when i visited my grandparents from my dad's side..my grandma, she's in coma if i can say..but she stays at home..and my grandpa, he's become very unstable and temperamental..and he keep shouting..and shouting! there was once he shouted " i don't want it anymore..( well he speaks hokkian ).. " then one of my aunt ask him " wut about pa? " then he replied " i dun wanna live anymore..i wanna die.." then there's a silent moment between me, my aunt and my mum..until my aunt said " dun anyhow say that things pa..." and i just realise that "that" sentences killing me...for a week i've been in a very bad mood and sad..without knowing ( or denying ) this feeling..

The feeling that afraid of losing somebody, like my grandpa and grandma..that raised me very well..but i just dunno how to behave as a good grand daughter, i always know that i am the love of their life..so i always tot that they will understand if i didn't come to see them becoz i'm busy with my personal things..i always think that they will know and accept that i'm no longer their baby girl and let me grow up..

BUT I WAS WRONG!!!!

HOW I WISH I CUD TURN BACK THE TIME AND LET THEM TREAT ME LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!

I REGRET THAT I NEVER SPENT MORE TIME WHEN THEY ARE STILL ABLE TO KNOW THINGS WELL..and i really want to tell them that i love them so much for being the BEST GRANDPARENTS in the world.

I'm crying now, but it won't help..regret always come later..

T_T

* hate to realise that i can't make them happy and proud..