May 27, 2016

Working out our marriage.

I know this is going to be a very personal entry I ever written in this blog. But I really feel like sharing it with people out there..who probably experiencing what I've been going through in my marriage life.

Never have I ever thought of writing about marriage in this blog, I mean what about marriage to talk about, really? 

Apparently, plenty. 

Just a little background to my new follower, I'm Indonesian, born and breed in Jakarta, moved to Singapore then now, settling in Auckland. My partner on the other hand, is Indonesian, grow up in Auckland, moved to Singapore and back to Auckland, again. Which is easy to digest in the first place, that we both are Indonesian, has been living in same place, and been married to each other for 5 years. Easy peasy? not.

In these past 5 years I realized marriage brings out the best and the worst in me.The relationship has turned me into someone I don't even feel comfortable with, and the "I" in me stands pretty strong compare to the "We" that both of us need to build. I am far from the dream girl she ever want, and he is not the guy that I wish he will be. The unmet expectation is bloody real! and that is painful.

I learned the " Unmet expectation " could kills the romance, it could distance out your relationship with your partner, and it sure did drive me crazy. Not to the point where I wanna draft out what's yours and what's mine, and sign here, kind of situation - but it ever crossed my mind, what if..

Then, that "what if.." leads me to another level of disappointment. Another anger, another thought that consuming me from the inside, and lashing out over small little shit, like the mess he made, the wine glass he never wash, or as simple as whose turn to charge the phone. I know right, these sounds fucking hideous? But hey, this happened - like exactly weeks ago. 

My household was tense. My house was just a house. My partner was the man I married to. My family was just him, me, and Ethan. The sex was just exercise. The love was gone. 

I don't wish this to ever happen in anyone, but if this is the stage of your marriage - come on, you can fix this. I can fix what was so wrong weeks ago, and I know you can, too. I am still in process but going really strong; and I have to tell you that my family is happier, my house is now a home to us, I feel like I have a husband, and I love being who I am, again. The bless-full me.

I started a big step to talk about it. Talk about it with him.

My tears bucketing down from my eyes when I talked about this to my partner. Like literally sobbing x hyperventilated x mumbling. Imagine that. LOL! I poured it all out, and omg, it was so hard to breath. LOL! I started by telling him what I feel, how I feel about what's going on, and how I want whatever things going on, fixed. This moment was hard to do without crying..fml. LOL! 

Stay focus on what is the problem.

Share your concern and work it out. I feel focusing on one major concern and work it out is better than lashing out brutally. I'm no expert in this, I'm just sharing up what is work for my relation.

Find the middle ground as solution.

Realizing that we can never get ALL that we want, is a good start. From there, find what is middle ground on how far the both willing to go to make it work.

That night, was our turning point. 

I feel he start to treat me good.
I feel we start talking heart to heart, again.
I feel that we are getting closer, again.
I feel that he stops pointing out my mistakes.
I feel that marriage is workable WHEN the two are willing to WORK IT OUT, together.

When I write this, I feel that I made a very right decision to be married to this guy, 5 years ago.
For I know, I am in a right track having someone like him to work my marriage with. It will never get any easier, but it's gonna be worth it. 

Happy anniversary, bang. 
The marriage life we have isn't a rainbow and unicorn, but we'll work it out.
Like you said, it will all end up well.



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20 comments :

  1. Happy to know that you two made it up in the end. I'm no expert in relationship and my marriage is just two weeks away from the 1st anniversary (so it's probably still full of mushy and cheesy shit lol), but communication is really a big deal of a happy relationship huh? I'm gonna bookmark this post in case one day I got to the stage you're talking about hehehe. Thank you for sharing and happy anniversary! May you two have more than 55x5x5 happy years to come :)

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    1. Thank u liv :)
      I don't ever wish for u to face the same situation tho.
      Be better than me :)

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  2. Glad that everything is OK. Happy anniversary ya...

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  3. happy anniversary ceee!! so happy for you ^^

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  4. Your words are inspiring! Glad it turned out to be okay :)

    Happy Anniversary!

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  5. Happy Anniversary El... orang2 bilang memang 5 tahun pertama perkawinan adalah masa2 terberat. Setelah itu, semua jadi lebih mudah, lebih sesuai, lebih kompak... percaya ga percaya, gua juga pernah ngalamin dulu :-)

    Dessy

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    Replies
    1. Lumayan ajubile yah des jalaninnya.
      Tapi iyah, gw yakin setiap orang ngalanin up and down di marriage nya masing masing..

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  6. Happy Anniversary Bebe..
    Ga kerasa berlalu juga and lot of things happen to your life surely.GBU ya

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  7. thank you for sharing, cici cantik. Semoga terus langgeng.

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  8. hi elrica, happy belated anniversary yah dear!
    I think what you write is commonly happened to everyone of us :D hehehe glad to hear that you both choose to work it out. Sometimes when we live too long with one person, we begin to take things for granted. we are no longer ask 'have you eat?' 'are you tired?' (like what we used to do before marriage). Instead, we focused on 'what I want', 'what I want you to do', and more more failing expectation toward our spouse.. We have to remember we are imperfect people, and we are once promised to love him no matter what. So sparks the marriage, and work it out! (Speak to myself too) :D

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  9. Iyah teph :)
    Mesti work it out maximal :)

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  10. Happy anniversary ya :-) memang di pernikahan ada ja ya yg kadang bikin ganjalan di dalam hati, setuju sama yg U lakukan bicara hati ke hati dan semuanya berakhir bahagia 😉

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  11. Happy anniversary ya Ci, thanks udah sharing. Ini jadi reminder aq juga soal pernikahan memang harus hati ke hati biar semuanya lancar.

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  12. Thank you for sharing, it is refreshing that when things get shaky you don't just call it quits :) Relationships always take work,commitment and compromise. Jiayou Dear !

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